thoughts on loneliness, following God, and St. Therese

i've realized that lately i've been feeling lonely in big groups of people..
when i went to the c4c summer meeting, i was glad to see everyone again and i missed my friends, but somehow i also wanted to just run away and be alone with God. i never feel lonely with him. i just felt somehow disconnected from everything. (and during the praise and worship, i was really missing Adoration, which surprised me but actually i was glad. lol! it's strange i actually felt A LOT of joy at this time, even the loneliness seemed to be a blessing)

i hope this is God trying to draw me closer to Himself.

i wonder what this year would be like..
i just pray that God would give me strength.

another thing i've been thinking about..
i've realized that i'm really not involved in c4c in any way. in the past, i sort of wanted to be a DG leader later on, just because i wanted God to use me somehow. i prayed about it lots.. and told God that whatever His will is, it would be fine with me. well i didn't become a DG leader, and i think now i know why.. God knew i'd become Catholic.. and i have to admit that c4c beliefs are very Protestant. additionally, i prayed a lot about going on project. i was ready to go if God called me. He didn't though. i wonder why that is.. i guess it's just not His will that i go on one. maybe i'll go on some sort of mission trip in the future..

so sometimes i struggle with thoughts that i'm really giving God my all because even though i'm in c4c, i'm not really doing anything there. maybe God has a different plan for me.. instead of being a leader, etc, maybe He wants me to quietly share my faith with my friends, one on one, help people, one on one, without anyone knowing.. pray for others.. and that might teach me how to truly live for God's glory and do things to serve Him, not in order to be noticed..so that my reward would only be from my Father. and if i'm ever ready for other things, God will make it happen.

it is LOVE that gives value to our actions. if we do something very small with lots of love, it becomes meaningful and pleases God. and if we do something seemingly big and important.. but for ourselves, not for Him, and without love.. it loses all significance.

and how can we ever do enough for God?? we can't...no matter how much i try i will not be able to give Jesus what He so deserves from me.. maybe if i always feel that i'm doing 'too little', that's because it's the truth, and will always be the truth.

about a month ago, i saw a movie about St. Therese that really affected me. it's called "Therese".. and it's based on her diary. She was a Carmelite nun. She spent her life doing little unnoticed things for God, and no one realized how devout she was. She wanted to keep her good works hidden from everyone except God, even from herself..and to do everything with great love for Him. and she approached God as a little child.. "little flower" Therese. i love her so much. i'm convinced that she did more to help sinners with her prayers and sacrifices than if she had done something big like going on missions (which many nuns do! like Mother Teresa. and that's awesome!).

i think there's a balance.. it is great to hide your good works from people so that only God knows about them.. on the other hand we should definitely be like "stars in this dark universe", pointing everyone we meet towards Christ, and letting our lives show His work so that others would praise Him. i want soo much for others to see Jesus in me and to truly be His "hands and feet" and bring the lost to Him...i believe the Eucharist would help me with this... anyway...i think that St. Therese, and other Saints, found that balance pretty well. maybe this is done by not focusing on yourself so much, letting God's love flow from you into other souls, without bringing attention to how 'devout' you are..only bringing attention to Him. we should not think much of our good works and not let "the left hand know what the right is doing".

anyway...when i saw that movie i felt like God was telling me that..it's ok that i'm not doing anything that seems "big" to people.. what matters is what He thinks, and the service that matters to Him is - obedience, and LOVE. only love matters. "it raises our smallest actions into infinity". perhaps offering a kind word to someone who needs it, helping my mom with housework, and praying that my non Christian friends would realize God's love.. maybe that's all very meaningful to God if done with love, and He will take these 'seeds' and make them grow, and they'll grow into something beautiful for God's glory. and if He ever gives me the opportunity to do something bigger, i'll take it, and pray for humility..cause i'm very proud still. but first, i need to become comfortable with simply obeying God..i may want to do big things, but if He doesn't want me to right now, i shouldn't do them.. because that would be disobedience. Let His will be done, not my own. Maybe all this is God's way of teaching me to give up my own will and desires, and to "deny the self". i really need to do this so that's great :) and during this past year, i've had to deal with some "crosses" that came my way, and maybe He is also teaching me that suffering, united to His sacrifice, has great spiritual value.