my fear

(something i typed up yesterday..)

sometimes people tell me that i'm wasting my time thinking so much about God, and ask me why i can't instead think about "normal" (ie: worldly) things. they make it sound like i have some sort of disease, and even feel sorry for me. maybe they think that i'm wasting time on "religion", being stuck in old stuffy buildings (lol) when "others" are "enjoying life". thy esay that "time passes quickly", and that before i realize it, i'll be old, bitter, and regretful that i've never "Really lived" in my youth..they make it sound like i should be worldly now, and wait until i'm 40 or 50 to attend church, pray, etc. when they say "really living", no doubt they mean partying, etc. seriously, they make it sound like being a "nominal" lukewarm Christian is the only "sensible" thing at my age, and everything else, anything more than that, is somehow a disorder.

right when people say things like this, doubt and fear enter my mind.. and i think, what IF they're right? what if all my experience of God is nothing but delusion, and i really do have some sort of personality disorder or a "religious addiction".. what if i've simply imagined my relationship with Jesus.. but NO i will not let myself think these thoughts. because deep inside, i know with all my heart that God is real and that His love is real. He told St. Faustina that His love "deceives noone".

But Lord i am so tired of people looking at me with pity because of my faith. it's so hard when these people are in your family, or in your group of close friends.. Jesus You know how it's like to be lonely, like there is no one who will ever understand your heart. but is this not what so many people long for.. to have someone who will take the time to look within you with love and compassion and truly understand you. my dear Jesus i have found this person in You. let the world think i'm crazy...i know that Your love is real, and that it is truly like nothing else that i've ever experienced, or can experience, and i trust You. You are everything to me, and every beat of my heart belongs to You my Jesus. i'm just sad because i sense that when my family thinks this about me, they are worried and upset.. because they do care about me.. and i don't want to cause them anxiety or pain. but..i think people simply misunderstand how i feel about You. some of them do know what Your love is like, but they criticize my approach to faith. this hurts me deeply every time, and i cry, but i try to forgive them. (please help me Lord) my faith is very personal to me, and shaped by so many things that are a part of me, and when people criticize it - or worse yet, make fun of it - it's hard to deal with.

Lord maybe this is coming from something specific in my life.. maybe it's coming from my sinfulness and struggles to follow You in my actions, which possibly makes me look like some Pharisee religious hypocrite. but Lord..You know my heart! You know how much i try. yes i am a big sinner.. but i am a sinner who trusts in Your great mercy, with hope that goes against all hope. and Jesus i pray with all my heart that You would help me overcome my sins, by Your grace, and allow me to follow You in everything i do.. help me be better this year, and to follow the things You are telling me to do, even though i sometimes feel afraid because they require so much self sacrifice and effort. i am weak but YOU ARE STRONG, be strong for me.

but my Jesus..i thank You that You know my heart so well.
Lord maybe these people are trying to find happiness in the world.. but You said that it can only be found in You. and i believe You. even though so often i look for happiness in this world too. (only to be disappointed) and i will speak of You with love and i pray i will not be afraid to share the gospel, in my words AND actions, that they may perhaps see it too. and i must not forget that prayer and sacrifice does more than our words ever can (st therese)
Lord i "weave thousands of garlands, and i know they will all blossom...when God's sun will shine on them."
let them blossom into beautiful flowers for You my Jesus!