thoughts on Communion...

last night i was thinking that probably very soon i'll be able to receive the Eucharist??? maybe this autumn/winter..spring? lol. and suddenly i realized what a BIG DEAL that is. i really don't feel ready, i definitely don't feel worthy, i don't think i CAN be worthy.. how can i be worthy of the Body and Blood of my Lord?? no it's such a gift..completely undeserved. i'm so small..and He's the King of Kings. so i want to put preparation into this.. i want to go to confession the day before and confess EVERYTHING - and i'm afraid because some of my sins are really bad..i mean i'm ashamed of them and i hate admitting them even to myself. this is SOO silly but i'm actually nervous of what the priest is going to think of me - maybe that's just my pride?? he's probably heard it all before though. (at least that's what people have been telling me!) but still...i'll go to confession.. i can't wait for that moment when my soul will be perfectly clean..i was thinking the other day how the Blood of Jesus doesn't just cover up our sins (as i've been told before), no, it washes them away completely. God has been showing me what awesome grace there is in confession..that it's really a Sacrament. soo..i can't wait! (even though i'm scared lol)

another thing.. in the past, when i took Communion at my family's Orthodox church, i don't think i really had the right approach to it. when i received the Eucharist, i was thinking about how it would feel like, etc, and a part of me wondered if i'll have any sort of spiritual experience.. and it's funny i didn't get anything. i mean i knew it was the real Eucharist, Christ's Body and Blood, but i didn't approach it in the right way.

Yesterday, I decided that when..if.. i'll take Communion at the Catholic church, i'm not going to think about me. i mean..when i'll receive the Eucharist, i'll be receiving Jesus into myself..literally..it will be total union, in the closest way possible.. so i was thinking yesterday, how at that moment, i just want to give Him all the love that i'm capable of giving. i read somewhere that as long as we have this intention, He will receive this love. instead of thinking, how i'll feel after Communion, i should think...how will it be like for HIM? i think it was in St. Faustina's diary.. that Jesus told her that He enters some souls as into a second Passion. :( but i think if someone receives the Eucharist, completely free of sin, with a pure heart that beats for Him alone, waits for Him alone, loves Him alone.. if they welcome Jesus and embrace Him.. i think this is what He really longs for when He comes to us in the Blessed Sacrament. this is what He intended. the purpose is not to get some sort of spiritual experience for ourselves.. but to please His Heart, to make this Heaven for Him.

i love what St. Therese of Lisieux said about her first Communion..

"My First Communion will always be a perfect memory, and I am sure I could not have been better prepared than I was. Do you remember the wonderful little book you have me three months before the great day? It was set out so beautifully and prepared me surely step by step; even though I had been thinking for so long about my First Communion, I had to renew my ardor and fill my heart with freshly gathered flowers. So every day, I made many sacrifices and acts of love, which were transformed into flowers; some were violets and roses, others cornflowers and daisies and forget-me-nots. I wanted all the flowers on earth to cradle Jesus in my heart...

...How lovely it was, that first kiss of Jesus in my heart - it was truly a kiss of love. I knew that I was loved and said, "I love You, and I give myself to You forever". Jesus asked for nothing, He claimed no sacrifice. Long before that, He and little Therese had seen and understood one another well, but on that day it was more than a meeting - it was a complete fusion. We were no longer two, for Therese had disappeared like a drop of water lost in the mighty ocean. Jesus alone remained - the Master and the King. Had she not asked Him to take away her liberty, the liberty she feared? She felt so weak and frail that she wanted to unite herself forever to His Divine Strength. And her joy became so vast, so deep, that now it overflowed. Soon she was weeping, to the astonishment of her companions, who said to one another later on: "why did she cry? was there something on her conscience? perhaps it was because her mother was not there, or the Carmelite sister she loves so much". It was beyond them that all the joy of Heaven had entered one small, exiled heart, and that it was too frail and weak to bear it without tears. As if the absense of my mother could make me unhappy on the day of my First Communion! As all Heaven entered my soul when I received Jesus, my mother came to me as well. Nor could I cry because you were not there, we were closer than ever before. It was joy alone, deep ineffable joy that filled my heart.

...There seemed to be a veil of melancholy over the day that followed. My dresses, lovely as they were, and my presents - these could never fill my heart. Jesus alone could do that, and I longed for the wonderful moment when He would come a second time. This was on Ascension Day, when I had the joy of kneeling at the altar rails between Father and my darling Marie. Again there were tears of indescribable joy upon my cheeks, while I murmured time and time again the words of St. Paul: "I live, now not I, but Christ liveth in me". (Gal. 2:20)

After this second visit of Our Lord, I longed for nothing but to receive Him. This was allowed on all the major feasts, but how far apart they seemed. Marie used to prepare me on the eve of these great days, just as she had done for my First Communion, and once I remember she spoke of suffering and said she was sure that God would always carry me like a little child and not make me tread that path. These words came back to me after Communion the next day, and I was convinced that there was many a cross in store for me. Then my soul was filled with such a flood of consolation as I have never had in all my life. Suffering began to attract me; I found charms in it which captivated me without yet fully understanding it. I felt another great desire: to love God only and find my joy in Him alone. Often during my thanksgivings, I repeated the passage from the Imitation: "O Jesus! unspeakable sweetness, turn earthly consolations into bitterness for me". These words came to my lips without any effort. I said them as a child recites what someone it loves has prompted, without fully grasping what it means."

wow, how many graces God offers us in the Eucharist!! i'm ready to believe that St. Therese through Communion. i really hope and pray that once i'll be able to receive the Eucharist, God would help me to obey Him better and grow in love for Him.

for my first Communion at the Catholic church.. i just want to come to God as a little child, and receive Jesus into my heart giving Him all the love i have.
i feel like this is difficult for me though because i dont have enough humility.. i'll really need God to give me some special grace to be able to receive the Eucharist properly.. not like i did before in the EO church.

From St. Faustina's Diary:

"November 19. After Communion today, Jesus told me how much He desires to come to human hearts. I desire to unite Myself with human souls; My great delight is to united Myself with souls. Know, My daughter, that when I come to a human heart in Holy Communion, My hands are full of all kinds of graces which I want to give to the soul. But souls do not even pay any attention to Me; they leave Me to Myself and busy themselves with other things. Oh, how sad I am that souls do not recognize love! They treat Me as a dead object. I answered Jesus, “O Treasure of my heart, the only object of my love and entire delight of my soul, I want to adore You in my heart as You are adored on the throne of Your eternal glory. My love wants to make up to You at least in part for the coldness of so great a number of souls. Jesus, behold my heart which is for You a dwelling place to which no one else has entry. You alone repose in it as in a beautiful garden."