last night.

this is something i scribbled on a piece of paper, last night at 1 am, while eating chocolate chip cookies. :s lol

"what do you do when the one thing in the whole world you love the most, makes you crazy in the eyes of others.
when people really close to you feel disappointed in you, because of how you feel about God..
when they feel genuinely concerned for your well being when you talk about Him, because they think your approach to faith is unhealthy and unnatural, though you know it is not...and the only reason you talked to them about this at all, is to encourage them, but in the end failed terribly.
what do you do when you trusted someone and showed them your heart, made yourself vulnerable for their sake, only to be hurt in the end..
when you feel so misunderstood, and can't possibly answer all the accusations against you.

well i guess all you can do is forgive, and hope against hope in God, that He would somehow use even this...that He would use the words you have said, even though they caused more harm than good, despite your intentions.

Lord i still trust in You...regardless..
"O my Jesus, because of my trust in You, i weave thousands of garlands, and i know that they will all blossom. and i know that they will all blossom when God's sun will shine on them" (St. Faustina)

and even though from now on i must stay silent, i will not stop praying. it is all in Your hands now.

i have failed so miserably. well at least God can use this failure to humble me; i hope He does. sometimes...i wish that i didn't care so much..but.. we must always forgive and love, even if this hurts us, because this is how God has loved us.

still, at this moment, i'm in a lot of pain. i wish i was stronger, i wish i was more able to look beyond myself, that i could feel others' pain more deeply than my own. i guess the words just cut too deep.

whenever people criticize and mock how i feel about God, it really hurts me. i'd rather they criticized something else about me. i don't think they realize what their words do, and i don't want to just blame them, cause i'm not perfect myself.. (oki i'm a huge sinner)
i hope that God heals me of this. but i've heard so much over the years from various people. it's tough when it's from your family and friends, people you trusted to understand you, people who you believe love you.. maybe i'm just too sensitive!!

my only consolation is that Jesus accepts and understands my faith. maybe He's the only one who does. i know that He understands everything about me. who else can know a soul so perfectly, except the one who made it.

Lord if i could see You now...i'd tell you that You are my everything. i'd say.. Jesus, i am so small and unworthy, i am a sinner and i'm so broken and messed up inside.. i don't live out my faith as i should, i don't love You as You deserve, and today i've failed You yet again. please, please forgive me..
but even with all this, i still trust in Your mercy..
You see, i don't have anything much to offer You, except myself.. my heart beats only for You so i want You to have it. please help me love You above all things.. to count the world as loss when compared to You.. i repeat the prayer from "the imitation": 'O Jesus, unspeakable sweetness, turn earthly consolations into bitterness for me'. help me no longer care about my own will. i only want to love You, each day more and more. i am empty handed but do not turn me away, i need You so much. i don't want anything else, i only want to be with You, and i'd take the lowest place in heaven to all the riches of this earth, as long as i can see You from there. and yet even as i say this, i know how weak i am and how attached i am to the things of this world.. have mercy on me..'

but Jesus what would Your words be to me??
would you say what people say..that i'm a "fanatic", that my approach is all wrong, that i have some sort of "religious addiction"? would You tell me that You'd rather see me enjoy this world more and spend less time thinking of heaven.. but Lord YOU are my heaven, and i would always long for You. would You say that i shouldn't speak like this, because my faith isn't real, but just a "drug".. this is what people have told me. would You turn me away? but Lord You didn't turn away that woman..who came to pour her expensive perfume on Your feet..she was crying, and she wiped your feet with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. and others criticized her, because she was a sinner, and because the perfume could have been used to help the poor.. but Jesus You accepted her, and her worship, and forgave her all the sins.. and You said, she loves much because she was forgiven of much.

sometimes i feel like this woman.. especially how she was critized for her worship. like i was today. but Lord You know how much You have forgiven me.. SOO much. thank You!!! so even though i'm sinful.. with trust i approach Your throne..

because i know that You will understand my words and my heart, and despite my numerous sins, You will look at me with so much love. i know that Your mercy is endless. i hope that You will then take me in Your arms and never let go. maybe i am hoping for too much.. but i can not help it. You have loved me first, my only response is to love You back."