being honest..

Jesus i don't know how to discern Your will anymore.. i'm afraid to be catholic cause i don't want to trust my feelings, but i'm afraid to not be catholic because i don't want to deny Your grace. i'm so tired.. just be with me Lord.. please.. You have never left me, Jesus through all my trials You were always such a great Friend. i have never found rest anywhere else. please hold me.. You see i'm so weak, i can't even rejoice in my trials and i find it difficult to remember that there are SO MANY PEOPLE who suffer SO MUCH MORE.

You showed me about the Eucharist and i don't know why because i dont love You as i should and i'm proud and i fail every single day, and You gave me all these beautiful thoughts but i can't seem to put them into actions.. like that idea about praying for lonely people who are suffering in the world.. i could never have thought of that without Your grace. cause i don't love that much. and someone hearing about that might think i'm a good Christian or something when in reality i struggle so much with everything. what's the point of beautiful thoughts and prayers when my actions are evil. see i'm such a hypocrite..

so i don't know why You showed me about the Eucharist when there are people who are much better christians and don't know about it. so maybe..i just pray that i'll glorify You through my weakness then, if in no other way. THANK YOU that i'm so weak cause then it's so obvious all this is not from me :) anyone who knows me would see it had to be Your work. i'm glad.. let it be this way.. just let Your will be done; i keep on praying this but i don't even know if i'm surrendered to Your will or not.

i want to love You so much though.. i think, You're in the tabernacle all alone.. i want to be with You.. is that a good enough reason to become catholic??
how can i not want to be near You after You've shown me so much love.. i still can't believe anyone could love me this much..but You do.. only You.. please please just hold me near to Your Heart now because i'm so tired and i'll find no comfort anywhere else, i know. i doubt that you will, i'm so sorry, because my own heart is not pure but proud, even now i am proud.. it is only those who are humble, those who are like little children who are able to approach You. but Jesus You said Your mercy is greater than sin.. let it be greater than my sins, Jesus because of Your love and mercy please don't reject me.. You're all i want, so if You reject me i'll have nothing in this whole world..

this whole day i was just longing to go to Adoration and be there with You.. the world just seems empty.. please just give me strength so i won't despair, and won't keep on thinking about myself all the time but focus on serving You and others.. let Your love and mercy and joy flow through me somehow; into other souls... help me not feel disappointed at my failures cause i know thats just more pride and self love; but instead just seek to follow You with all i have anyway... and maybe someday i'll become who You made me to be..completely obedient to You..

i can't find the words.. Lord You know me, You understand what i'm trying to say...

when i think about what You went through.. on the Cross..
You gave Yourself for me, so i want to give myself to You, entirely.
and when i'll receive the Eucharist, i want to give You all my love and to welcome You with a pure heart, a pure soul, totally cleansed from sin.. so that You will "reign in me as in Heaven". i have so much more to say...but i don't know how to say it. You know my heart..