learning to trust

It's been a difficult two weeks. I've been attacked with so much fear about my salvation, and so many doubts, several times the devil wanted me to give up altogether. I couldn't figure out if these fears reflect reality, or are lies. I had so much difficulty trusting God. I still feel so weak... today, I don't know what happened but Jesus gave me peace. Jesus I need You so much! If only I could receive You in the Eucharist... and I know that there's nothing You can't heal, that if I only receive You, the truth would be more apparent.. I've been suffering in this way because I dont know if I'm doing Your will. Lord I just pray that no matter what may happen in my life that Your will alone would be done! It doesn't matter so much if I should suffer, it's just this uncertainty and fear, that is the worst.. when I look at my soul I'm so fearful because of all my sins and because I don't understand where I am spiritually. I don't understand if I'm in a state of grace or not, I can't tell if I'm following You truly right now... but can I just look at You.. I just want to stay by the Tabernacle and be close to You, and whatever is wrong in my heart, You can change it. Why am I still afraid when I think of You? You are so much more powerful than any of my sins. I still have that dream of being Your bride and being a nun. I feel so broken right now that I can't really see how this could ever happen. But then I feel joy whenever I think about it. My Jesus please stay with me now, don't turn away from me, despite all the ways I've failed You. I need You now and always and especially when I'm under all these attacks. I just want to be alone with You, but I need You to heal me so I can receive Your love. Despite my sins, my inability, weakness, and fear, - I still have this desire for You and that is enough evidence that You are in my heart. St Padre Pio said, if a soul has the desire for God, that means God is there. I'm such a little soul, entirely incapable, but You alone are strong, You are my Savior, and You know all things!