solitude

I love the idea of just being alone with Jesus. One of the most beautiful things about religious life that I can think of is the intimacy with Him... to belong to no one else, except Him, who is the Lover of each soul. It's so easy for me to forget what He has done... how He carried the heavy Cross for love of me, was scourged for love of me, His blood ran down His face as they pressed the crown of thorns over His head.. He was crucified for love of me.. and now, He's the Prisoner of love in the Tabernacle, left all alone, and so few think of Him! I can't stand my ingratitude and distrust, - as Jesus offers me love, all I can offer Him are my errors and sins.. I'll never be able to love Him as much as He deserves, but I want to be able to love Him with all my heart. I can't seem to let go of myself.. of my own will.. but Jesus went through so much. I just want to be entirely His.. He has captured my heart so deeply and I can't ever see myself getting married to anyone else unless it is His will for me to marry and have a family. I can't talk about this to many people but even when I do talk about it, I can't seem to describe it well. Only He knows the part I can't put into words. But it's so beautiful to keep some things secret for Jesus :) my Jesus, I love You, always, always.

"O take my heart, Thou Loved One; let it be transfixed with those dear wounds for love of Thee. O wound it, Jesus, with pure love of Thee, and let it so be crucified with Thee that it may be forever joined to Thee." St. Bernard

learning to trust

It's been a difficult two weeks. I've been attacked with so much fear about my salvation, and so many doubts, several times the devil wanted me to give up altogether. I couldn't figure out if these fears reflect reality, or are lies. I had so much difficulty trusting God. I still feel so weak... today, I don't know what happened but Jesus gave me peace. Jesus I need You so much! If only I could receive You in the Eucharist... and I know that there's nothing You can't heal, that if I only receive You, the truth would be more apparent.. I've been suffering in this way because I dont know if I'm doing Your will. Lord I just pray that no matter what may happen in my life that Your will alone would be done! It doesn't matter so much if I should suffer, it's just this uncertainty and fear, that is the worst.. when I look at my soul I'm so fearful because of all my sins and because I don't understand where I am spiritually. I don't understand if I'm in a state of grace or not, I can't tell if I'm following You truly right now... but can I just look at You.. I just want to stay by the Tabernacle and be close to You, and whatever is wrong in my heart, You can change it. Why am I still afraid when I think of You? You are so much more powerful than any of my sins. I still have that dream of being Your bride and being a nun. I feel so broken right now that I can't really see how this could ever happen. But then I feel joy whenever I think about it. My Jesus please stay with me now, don't turn away from me, despite all the ways I've failed You. I need You now and always and especially when I'm under all these attacks. I just want to be alone with You, but I need You to heal me so I can receive Your love. Despite my sins, my inability, weakness, and fear, - I still have this desire for You and that is enough evidence that You are in my heart. St Padre Pio said, if a soul has the desire for God, that means God is there. I'm such a little soul, entirely incapable, but You alone are strong, You are my Savior, and You know all things!

reparation

O Most Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I adore thee profoundly. I offer thee the most precious Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, present in all the tabernacles of the world, in reparation for the outrages, sacrileges and indifferences by which He is offended. By the infinite merits of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I beg of thee the conversion of poor sinners.

all that I want

"Therese, I have found our desert place. A beautiful desert, filled with roses. Jesus waits for me. And all I want is to be alone with Him." Story of a Soul

"Not only He loves you, even more - He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. Even if you are not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes - He is the one who always accepts you. My children, you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe - you are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet - only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest." Mother Teresa