"Tuus totus ego sum, et omnia mea tua sunt"

Recently i've been thinking a lot about this.. i think maybe i'll read that book by St Louis de Montfort. i'm still figuring out the theology.. i know it's approved by the Church, and - St Louis de Montfort is even being considered for Doctor of the Church!! :) so from the Catholic perspective, there is nothing wrong with this. the old Protestant in me is of course...much more skeptical.. but in my heart it somehow feels right, because i'm beginning to understand more the role that Mary has in my relationship with God... it is a beautiful idea to make this consecration and ask my Mother to present me to Jesus. i'll definitely be praying about all this..

i'd only do this once i'm officially in the Church and can receive the Eucharist, because i'd want to be more spiritually prepared and it is a big deal. i realize the gravity of it. it's essentially totally giving yourself up to God even to the point of being like a 'slave', being ready to do anything He asks. it even includes welcoming trials and suffering. it's not something to be taken lightly.. i feel very weak, unworthy, i don't think i could EVER be ready or strong enough for something like this.. yet i believe that God uses weakness, that if i rely on Him, He will give me strength to bear anything, and the grace to live entirely for Him. a part of me is afraid, because i really am very sinful and fearful and weak. But - on another hand, i rejoice in that, because that just makes it easier to surrender to God.. :) for the longest time i've been praying that He would help me love Him with all my heart, and i know that love isn't just a feeling, it involves sacrifice and is difficult.. and i believe that Mary, who loves God more than anyone, can teach me a lot about this. that's why i'm drawn to this whole idea.. i want to be more selfless, to TRULY put God first..

and i almost can't believe i'm even thinking about something like this, it seems like such a bold thing to do, because my sins are so great. but no matter what i want to trust in God's mercy. i trust that He will help me, even if i won't feel like He's helping me. so i hope that i am not being proud by thinking that i'm able to make a consecration like this, but - i am not relying on myself... i want to live entirely for God even if that means difficulty. but sometimes i'm afraid! i need Him so much.. nothing else matters, but Him.. He gave Himself entirely to me.. i want to do the same, because this is love..

maybe this would teach me to trust God like i never have before..
and i want that, i don't want to be lukewarm - if i'm going to follow Christ i want to follow all the way..