"I will never leave you nor forsake you"

today was such a great day although there were so many difficulties. i finally went and made an appointment with the priest to talk about becoming catholic. it's interesting because this almost didn't happen. i think the devil was REALLY trying to prevent me from going to the church today. which only shows that this is God's plan. ;) seriously there were so many obstacles. at one point i almost gave up and started begging God to help me, and - 2 minutes later EVERYTHING changed around!! i know this had to be His work.

then on the way to the church i started getting fears and doubts about my conversion, it's like i completely forgot why i wanted to become Catholic to begin with. i seriously thought of being Orthodox instead. i also felt SOOO much fear about telling people about my decision..i was so afraid i'd ruin friendships and that people i love would be sad about all this. but then, exhausted from all these thoughts i just decided that "God's will be done". I said to God, "Lord i trusted You and You lead me this far. if i was deceived, i trust You now to show me Your will, and prevent me from making a mistake. if i'm doing the wrong thing, please prevent all this from happening. if you want me to be Orthodox, then please make me Orthodox".

but.. then something so amazing happened..

after i went to the parish office.. i decided to stay for a while in the church before the Blessed Sacrament. i went in and there was no one there. it was dark but there were lights around the Tabernacle. it was amazing, just me and Jesus!!

"What happiness do we not feel in the Presence of God, when we are alone at His feet...Redouble your fervor; you are alone to adore your God; His eyes rest upon you alone.."
St. John Vianney

i blessed myself with the holy water.. went to the pew closest to the Tabernacle, and knelt down. then.. suddenly.. i didn't even have to try!! i felt God's presence there. then all i felt was joy. all my fears were gone. first all i could say to Jesus is that i love Him. then i asked..Lord do You want me to be Catholic.. and heard a definite 'yes'. i was rejoicing with all my heart.. i had not been deceived! i remembered all that i had loved about Catholicism..all that God made me love; surely i couldn't have changed this way on my own. i think it's quite miraculous. only He could have changed me. but just to make sure, i asked God again.. and again, heard a 'yes'.

i spent some time there but then had to go..it almost broke my heart to leave..i feel so bad that i didn't stay more.. i should have. i really felt like Jesus was so happy that someone had visited Him.. He is always alone in that Tabernacle, except when people come to visit. and that consoles His Heart so. how it must be for Him.. He died for the human race but most people don't believe, don't care.. i wanted to tell Him - no i care and i want to bring souls to You..
and also - dare i say this - i felt that He was happy that i in particular visited Him. i knew then that He loves me personally..He loves ME. not for anything i have.. all my merits are actually His. only my sins are my own. but simply because He is love and mercy and kindness. i felt that He knows me and was glad that i came to spend that time with Him. wow. it makes me cry just thinking that..

God is so good..

and when i was leaving, i looked back and thought - now Jesus will be all alone again.. and i felt like He was sad that i'm going and that He wanted to talk to me more. it broke my heart to go. next time i'm going to stay much longer.
i pray that angels would be there with Him tonight like in the Garden of Gethsemane.
and in my heart i never left..

then later on today, someone told me that they're tired of me talking about God and spiritual things. i still haven't quite learned how to deal with these comments. it was so painful to hear this because i actually just wanted to encourage that person, that's why i talked about God. then i went away with tears in my eyes trying to forgive them. ah i wish i was stronger.. i wish i wasn't so sensitive!!! i wish when people say things like that to me or judge me or misunderstand me i'd just reply with love. i'm so imperfect i can't stand it. but God used even this..

i suddenly remembered what Jesus told me..that He was sad that i'm going and wished to talk to me more and that He loves it when i pray to Him. and lol then i just started crying again - i must have cried a lot today over all kinds of things LOLL - but this time out of joy. i just couldn't believe..what a great Friend He is. He is my Best Friend. who else can say.. "tell Me all, my child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of Your Best Friend, is listening to You". i wanted Him to hold me near His kind Heart forever. after someone told me that they're tired of me talking about God, He said the opposite. (i'm not mad at this person though.. especially because they really helped me out recently and were a great friend to me too when i needed help. i think what they said, it was just out of annoyance and - i myself fail in the same way soo much.. it would be so wrong to remember people's flaws when i probably have much more than them. but the reason i'm mentioning this is just to explain why Jesus' words were so dear to me)

He's such a great Friend to me.. and so many times has been my only consolation. i cant even put it into words. i'd come to church feeling overcome with worries and sometimes very lonely..and the love He shows me is just beyond anything. i'm just saying this to bring Him glory. i spend 5 minutes before the Blessed Sacrament and i'm healed. now i just need to show this love to others!!

but..i'm so unfaithful.. i don't understand why He's so good to me.. i fail every single day. and then He forgives me and tells me i bring Him joy with my prayers. wow. well i just want to give Him everything and obey His will..in all ways..out of love.. no matter what the cost. and i want to show His love to people cause He's given me so much..so that i can give to others. He'd have to help me though.

i dunno some people might not believe that God speaks to me like this cause i'm such a sinner and also a relatively new Christian. i know i am. but that does not lessen His mercy!! and i don't know if my approach is right or wrong, but i love that He knows my heart.