coming home..???

i realized today that ever since i prayed before the Blessed Sacrament a few days ago, God has taken away all my fears about becoming Catholic. :D i'm truly willing to believe this is His will now, with all my heart. it really feels like i'm coming home, to the church that God planned for me to be a part of. praise God! i will keep on praying that His will be done. i'll keep on praying, but i simply can't deny any more that i feel His grace leading me...

"I will never leave you nor forsake you"

today was such a great day although there were so many difficulties. i finally went and made an appointment with the priest to talk about becoming catholic. it's interesting because this almost didn't happen. i think the devil was REALLY trying to prevent me from going to the church today. which only shows that this is God's plan. ;) seriously there were so many obstacles. at one point i almost gave up and started begging God to help me, and - 2 minutes later EVERYTHING changed around!! i know this had to be His work.

then on the way to the church i started getting fears and doubts about my conversion, it's like i completely forgot why i wanted to become Catholic to begin with. i seriously thought of being Orthodox instead. i also felt SOOO much fear about telling people about my decision..i was so afraid i'd ruin friendships and that people i love would be sad about all this. but then, exhausted from all these thoughts i just decided that "God's will be done". I said to God, "Lord i trusted You and You lead me this far. if i was deceived, i trust You now to show me Your will, and prevent me from making a mistake. if i'm doing the wrong thing, please prevent all this from happening. if you want me to be Orthodox, then please make me Orthodox".

but.. then something so amazing happened..

after i went to the parish office.. i decided to stay for a while in the church before the Blessed Sacrament. i went in and there was no one there. it was dark but there were lights around the Tabernacle. it was amazing, just me and Jesus!!

"What happiness do we not feel in the Presence of God, when we are alone at His feet...Redouble your fervor; you are alone to adore your God; His eyes rest upon you alone.."
St. John Vianney

i blessed myself with the holy water.. went to the pew closest to the Tabernacle, and knelt down. then.. suddenly.. i didn't even have to try!! i felt God's presence there. then all i felt was joy. all my fears were gone. first all i could say to Jesus is that i love Him. then i asked..Lord do You want me to be Catholic.. and heard a definite 'yes'. i was rejoicing with all my heart.. i had not been deceived! i remembered all that i had loved about Catholicism..all that God made me love; surely i couldn't have changed this way on my own. i think it's quite miraculous. only He could have changed me. but just to make sure, i asked God again.. and again, heard a 'yes'.

i spent some time there but then had to go..it almost broke my heart to leave..i feel so bad that i didn't stay more.. i should have. i really felt like Jesus was so happy that someone had visited Him.. He is always alone in that Tabernacle, except when people come to visit. and that consoles His Heart so. how it must be for Him.. He died for the human race but most people don't believe, don't care.. i wanted to tell Him - no i care and i want to bring souls to You..
and also - dare i say this - i felt that He was happy that i in particular visited Him. i knew then that He loves me personally..He loves ME. not for anything i have.. all my merits are actually His. only my sins are my own. but simply because He is love and mercy and kindness. i felt that He knows me and was glad that i came to spend that time with Him. wow. it makes me cry just thinking that..

God is so good..

and when i was leaving, i looked back and thought - now Jesus will be all alone again.. and i felt like He was sad that i'm going and that He wanted to talk to me more. it broke my heart to go. next time i'm going to stay much longer.
i pray that angels would be there with Him tonight like in the Garden of Gethsemane.
and in my heart i never left..

then later on today, someone told me that they're tired of me talking about God and spiritual things. i still haven't quite learned how to deal with these comments. it was so painful to hear this because i actually just wanted to encourage that person, that's why i talked about God. then i went away with tears in my eyes trying to forgive them. ah i wish i was stronger.. i wish i wasn't so sensitive!!! i wish when people say things like that to me or judge me or misunderstand me i'd just reply with love. i'm so imperfect i can't stand it. but God used even this..

i suddenly remembered what Jesus told me..that He was sad that i'm going and wished to talk to me more and that He loves it when i pray to Him. and lol then i just started crying again - i must have cried a lot today over all kinds of things LOLL - but this time out of joy. i just couldn't believe..what a great Friend He is. He is my Best Friend. who else can say.. "tell Me all, my child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of Your Best Friend, is listening to You". i wanted Him to hold me near His kind Heart forever. after someone told me that they're tired of me talking about God, He said the opposite. (i'm not mad at this person though.. especially because they really helped me out recently and were a great friend to me too when i needed help. i think what they said, it was just out of annoyance and - i myself fail in the same way soo much.. it would be so wrong to remember people's flaws when i probably have much more than them. but the reason i'm mentioning this is just to explain why Jesus' words were so dear to me)

He's such a great Friend to me.. and so many times has been my only consolation. i cant even put it into words. i'd come to church feeling overcome with worries and sometimes very lonely..and the love He shows me is just beyond anything. i'm just saying this to bring Him glory. i spend 5 minutes before the Blessed Sacrament and i'm healed. now i just need to show this love to others!!

but..i'm so unfaithful.. i don't understand why He's so good to me.. i fail every single day. and then He forgives me and tells me i bring Him joy with my prayers. wow. well i just want to give Him everything and obey His will..in all ways..out of love.. no matter what the cost. and i want to show His love to people cause He's given me so much..so that i can give to others. He'd have to help me though.

i dunno some people might not believe that God speaks to me like this cause i'm such a sinner and also a relatively new Christian. i know i am. but that does not lessen His mercy!! and i don't know if my approach is right or wrong, but i love that He knows my heart.

Litany of Humility

LITANY OF HUMILITY

by Cardinal Merry Del Val
(October 10, 1865-February 26, 1930)

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Jesus deserves all our love..

I'm reading the Imitation of Christ right now, and it's such a great book, but soo challenging, lol..
one of my favourite chapters:

FEW LOVE THE CROSS OF JESUS

JESUS has always many who love His heavenly kingdom, but few who bear His cross. He has many who desire consolation, but few who care for trial. He finds many to share His table, but few to take part in His fasting. All desire to be happy with Him; few wish to suffer anything for Him. Many follow Him to the breaking of bread, but few to the drinking of the chalice of His passion. Many revere His miracles; few approach the shame of the Cross. Many love Him as long as they encounter no hardship; many praise and bless Him as long as they receive some comfort from Him. But if Jesus hides Himself and leaves them for a while, they fall either into complaints or into deep dejection. Those, on the contrary, who love Him for His own sake and not for any comfort of their own, bless Him in all trial and anguish of heart as well as in the bliss of consolation. Even if He should never give them consolation, yet they would continue to praise Him and wish always to give Him thanks. What power there is in pure love for Jesus -- love that is flee from all self-interest and self-love!

Do not those who always seek consolation deserve to be called mercenaries? Do not those who always think of their own profit and gain prove that they love themselves rather than Christ? Where can a man be found who desires to serve God for nothing? Rarely indeed is a man so spiritual as to strip himself of all things. And who shall find a man so truly poor in spirit as to be free from every creature? His value is like that of things brought from the most distant lands.

If a man give all his wealth, it is nothing; if he do great penance, it is little; if he gain all knowledge, he is still far afield; if he have great virtue and much ardent devotion, he still lacks a great deal, and especially, the one thing that is most necessary to him. What is this one thing? That leaving all, he forsake himself, completely renounce himself, and give up all private affections. Then, when he has done all that he knows ought to be done, let him consider it as nothing, let him make little of what may be considered great; let him in all honesty call himself an unprofitable servant. For truth itself has said: "When you shall have done all these things that are commanded you, say: 'we are unprofitable servants.'"[17] Then he will be truly poor and stripped in spirit, and with the prophet may say: "I am alone and poor."[18] No one, however, is more wealthy than such a man; no one is more powerful, no one freer than he who knows how to leave all things and think of himself as the least of all."

I fall soo short of this :( it breaks my heart sometimes how I love the Lord so little. How often I just wanted consolation, and sought to avoid suffering, instead of picking up my cross out of love for Him.. when I read about the Saints, they loved God so much because they were willing to go through anything for Him, and wished only to please Him. I wish my love was so selfless. Still sometimes God gives me the grace to desire such love and obedience and submission to Christ. He deserves so much!!

Lord please give me the grace of a pure love for You..

Lord let me adore You in Your Passion.. let me seek to console Your Heart so full of love and mercy as You died for me, consumed with pain and loneliness. Lord Jesus I love You from the depths of my nothingness and misery and sin..I seek only to love You and to comfort You in Your sufferings, and to share in Your Cross.. draw me close to Your Sacred Heart so that I may forsake myself, and the world, and make You my only Treasure.. let all my prayers of love for You be like kisses upon Your wounds; I adore Your wounds and Your Precious Blood that is my life. I know that You thirst for souls, and I want to help bring sinners to You so that they would also know Your mercy..let Your mercy be glorified through me.. Amen.

"Do grant, oh my God, that when my lips approach Yours to kiss You, I may taste the gall that was given to You; when my shoulders lean against Yours, make me feel Your scourging; when my flesh is united with Yours, in the Holy Eucharist, make me feel Your passion; when my head comes near Yours, make me feel Your thorns; when my heart is close to Yours, make me feel Your spear."
- St. Gemma Galgani

Imitation of Christ, Book Three, Chapter 5

THE WONDERFUL EFFECT OF DIVINE LOVE
THE DISCIPLE
I BLESS You, O heavenly Father, Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, for having condescended to remember me, a poor creature. Thanks to You, O Father of mercies, God of all consolation, Who with Your comfort sometimes refresh me, who am not worthy of it. I bless You always and glorify You with Your only-begotten Son and the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete, forever and ever.

Ah, Lord God, my holy Lover, when You come into my heart, all that is within me will rejoice. You are my glory and the exultation of my heart. You are my hope and refuge in the day of my tribulation. But because my love is as yet weak and my virtue imperfect, I must be strengthened and comforted by You. Visit me often, therefore, and teach me Your holy discipline. Free me from evil passions and cleanse my heart of all disorderly affection so that, healed and purified within, I may be fit to love, strong to suffer, and firm to persevere.

Love is an excellent thing, a very great blessing, indeed. It makes every difficulty easy, and bears all wrongs with equanimity. For it bears a burden without being weighted and renders sweet all that is bitter. The noble love of Jesus spurs to great deeds and excites longing for that which is more perfect. Love tends upward; it will not be held down by anything low. Love wishes to be free and estranged from all worldly affections, lest its inward sight be obstructed, lest it be entangled in any temporal interest and overcome by adversity.

Nothing is sweeter than love, nothing stronger or higher or wider; nothing is more pleasant, nothing fuller, and nothing better in heaven or on earth, for love is born of God and cannot rest except in God, Who is above all created things.

One who is in love flies, runs, and rejoices; he is free, not bound. He gives all for all and possesses all in all, because he rests in the one sovereign Good, Who is above all things, and from Whom every good flows and proceeds. He does not look to the gift but turns himself above all gifts to the Giver.

Love often knows no limits but overflows all bounds. Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of troubles, attempts more than it is able, and does not plead impossibility, because it believes that it may and can do all things. For this reason, it is able to do all, performing and effecting much where he who does not love fails and falls.

Love is watchful. Sleeping, it does not slumber. Wearied, it is not tired. Pressed, it is not straitened. Alarmed, it is not confused, but like a living flame, a burning torch, it forces its way upward and passes unharmed through every obstacle.

If a man loves, he will know the sound of this voice. For this warm affection of soul is a loud voice crying in the ears of God, and it says: "My God, my love, You are all mine and I am all Yours. Give me an increase of love, that I may learn to taste with the inward lips of my heart how sweet it is to love, how sweet to be dissolved in love and bathe in it. Let me be rapt in love. Let me rise above self in great fervor and wonder. Let me sing the hymn of love, and let me follow You, my Love, to the heights. Let my soul exhaust itself in praising You, rejoicing out of love. Let me love You more than myself, and let me not love myself except for Your sake. In You let me love all those who truly love You, as the law of love, which shines forth from You, commands."

Love is swift, sincere, kind, pleasant, and delightful. Love is strong, patient and faithful, prudent, long-suffering, and manly. Love is never self-seeking, for in whatever a person seeks himself there he falls from love. Love is circumspect, humble, and upright. It is neither soft nor light, nor intent upon vain things. It is sober and chaste, firm and quiet, guarded in all the senses. Love is subject and obedient to superiors. It is mean and contemptible in its own eyes, devoted and thankful to God; always trusting and hoping in Him even when He is distasteful to it, for there is no living in love without sorrow. He who is not ready to suffer all things and to stand resigned to the will of the Beloved is not worthy to be called a lover. A lover must embrace willingly all that is difficult and bitter for the sake of the Beloved, and he should not turn away from Him because of adversities.

Invocations to the Heart of Jesus

Heart of Jesus in the Eucharist, I adore Thee.
Sweet Companion of our exile, I adore Thee.
Eucharistic Heart of Jesus, I adore Thee.
Heart solitary, Heart humiliated, I adore Thee.
Heart abandoned, Heart forgotten, I adore Thee.
Heart despised, Heart outraged, I adore Thee.
Heart ignored by men, I adore Thee.
Heart, Lover of our hearts, I adore Thee.
Heart pleading for love, I adore Thee.
Heart patient in waiting for us, I adore Thee.
Heart eager to hear our prayers, I adore Thee.
Heart desiring that we should pray to Thee, I adore Thee.
Heart, Source of fresh graces, I adore Thee.
Heart silent, desiring to speak to souls, I adore Thee.
Heart, sweet Refuge of the hidden life, I adore Thee.
Heart, Teacher of the secrets of union with God, I adore Thee.
Heart of Him Who sleeps, yet ever watches, I adore Thee.

Eucharistic Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

Jesus Victim, I wish to comfort Thee; I unite myself to Thee; I offer myself in union with Thee. I count myself as nothing before Thee;I desire to forget myself in order to think of Thee, to be forgotten and despised for love of Thee, not to be understood, not to be loved, except by Thee. I will hold my peace that I may listen to Thee; I will forsake myself that I may lose myself in Thee.
Grant that I may quench Thy thirst for my salvation, Thy burning thirst for my sanctification, and that, being purified, I may bestow on Thee a pure and true love. I would no longer weary Thine expectations; take me, I give myself to Thee. I entrust to Thee all my actions---my mind that Thou mayest enlighten it, my heart that Thou mayest direct it, my will that Thou mayest establish it, my misery that Thou mayest relieve it, my soul and my body that Thou mayest feed them.
Eucharistic Heart of my Jesus, Whose Blood is the life of my soul, may it be no longer I who live, but Thou alone Who livest in me. Amen.

http://www.2heartsnetwork.org/SacredHeart.htm

"the world is but a ship, and not thy home"

I have a picture of Jesus in my 'prayer corner' and I think it's so lovely. Sometimes I wonder how Jesus really looks like..I think when we'll see Him, we would just be completely overwhelmed by His love and majesty and beauty. I imagine that there will be so much love in His eyes. St Faustina said in her Diary:

"During meditation, the Lord gave me knowledge of the joy of heaven and of the saints on our arrival there; they love God as the sole object of their love, but they also have a tender and heartfelt love for us. It is from the face of God that this joy flows out upon all, because we see Him face to face. His face is so sweet that the soul falls anew into ecstasy. (1592)

wow!! I long so much just to see Him my dear Jesus. I know He's always with me and when I'll finally receive the Eucharist He'll be present with me in such an intimate way; but sometimes I just feel SO lonely and homesick for heaven..like last night.. I want to go Home someday and be forever in His sweet loving embrace. i hope that the Eucharist would be this embrace for me here on earth. well.. "the cross comes before the crown", and I pray that I'll bear my cross for Jesus as He bore His for me, and share in His suffering too here on earth, learn to be obedient to His will, and make the best of the grace He's giving me. But just to think, in Heaven we would be with our Jesus FOREVER, I mean there will be no end, we would never have to leave Him!! Isn't that so amazing? I can't imagine eternity. And we would be able to love Him forever. wow.. I never want to stop loving Him.

"sweet Heart of Jesus, be my love!"

"My loving Jesus, i, Ana, give You my heart; and i consecrate myself wholly to You out of the grateful love i bear You, and as a reparation for all my unfaithfulness; and with Your aid i intend never to sin again. Amen"

the greatest of miracles

watching this just made me cry, i wish i could receive the Eucharist :( i can't get over what a gift it is, lol.. (and i hope i never get over that!!) it's HIM..it's our beloved Jesus.
this is the consecration...that's the greatest of miracles, and the holiest moment of our lives - when we encounter the risen Savior and - ..in receiving the Eucharist, become one with Him. we're in the church but spiritually we're at Calvary. we see, and taste, bread and wine but hidden in the Sacrament is Christ Himself. (what humility on His part!) wow. this is a hard teaching..who can accept it.. but Lord i believe, help my unbelief! i so want to never feel doubt regarding this again but accept it..as a little child, simply because Jesus said so.
Lord Jesus i humbly pray give me unwavering faith in the Eucharist

the most beautiful prayer..

(St Liguori, Visits to the Blessed Sacrament)

"O my most sweet and beloved Jesus, You who are my life, my hope, my treasure and the only love of my heart, what has it not cost You to remain with us in the Blessed Sacrament! So as to be able to dwell among us on our altars, You had to die; and in ourder to help us by Your presence there, how many insults have You not had to endure since then! Your love for us, and the desire You have that we should love You, have outweighed everything.

Come then, O Lord, come into my heart! Close its doors forever so that for the future no creature may enter it to share the love with is due You, that love which I desire to bestow entirely on You. Do you alone, my dear Redeemer, rule me; do You alone possess my whole being. And if ever I do not obey You perfectly, punish me severely, that I may be more careful to please You for the future. Grant that I may never again seek any pleasure other than that of pleasing You, of visiting You often, of speaking with You and of receiving You in Holy Communion. Let all who wish for other treasures seek them; the only treasure I love, the only one I desire, is that of Your love.

It is for that alone I ask at the foot of the altar. Make me forget myself, so that I may remember only Your goodness. Blessed Seraphim, I envy you, not for your glory, but for the love you have for your God and mine. Teach me what I must do to love Him and to please Him.

My Jesus, I will love only You; YOu are the only one I wish to please."

(St. Liguori, "the Practice of the Love of Jesus Christ")

From St. Liguori's "The Practice of the Love of Jesus Christ"

"O most lovable and loving Heart of Jesus, wretched is the heart that does not love You! O God, You died on the Cross, abandoned and wholly bereft, for the love of Your people! How then can we live so forgetful of You? O love of God! O human ingratitude! O you of short memory, look upon the innocent Lamb of God, agonizing on the Cross and dying for you, in order to satisfy divine justice for your sins, and so draw you to His love. Look how at the same time He prays to His Eternal Father to forgive you. Look at Him and love Him.

My Jesus, how few are those who love You! Wretch that I am, I, too, have lived for many years unmindful of You, and thereby greatly offended You. My beloved Redeemer, it is not so much the punishment I have deserved that makes me weep, as the love that You have borne me.

May the sorrows of Jesus, the ignominies of Jesus, the wounds of Jesus, the death of Jesus, the love of Jesus thrust themselves into my heart, and may their sweet memory remain there forever to wound me continually and inflame me with love.
I love You, my Jesus; I love You, my sovereign good; I love You, my love, more then my entire being: I love You, and I want that love for You to last forever.
Never let me leave You or lose You again.
Make me completely Yours, do it through the merits of Your death. In this I firmly trust.

And I have great confidence, too, in your intercession, O Mary, my Queen; make me love Jesus Christ and make me also love you, my Mother and my hope!

Amen.

"the closer you are to God, the simpler you will become"

the more i think about this, the more i think it is true..

Lord give me the heart of a little child! let me always trust You unconditionally and simply love You..that is what matters the most. it is not learning nor theology not even understanding...but how much we love the Lord.

"O Heart of Jesus, burning with love for us, inflame our hearts with love for Thee"

Offering

My God, I offer You all my prayers, works, joys, and sufferings in union with the Sacred Heart of Jesus, for the intentions for which He pleads and offers Himself in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, in thanksgiving for Your favors, in reparation for my sins, and in humble supplication for my temporal and eternal welfare, for the needs of our holy Mother the Church, for the conversion of sinners, and for the relief of the poor souls in purgatory.

Novena Prayer

Divine Jesus, You have said, "Ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you." Behold me kneeling at Your feet, filled with a lively faith and confidence in the promises dictated by Your Sacred Heart to Saint Margaret Mary. I come to ask this favor: (Mention your request).

To whom can I turn if not to You, Whose Heart is the source of all graces and merits? Where should I seek if not in the treasure which contains all the riches of Your kindness and mercy? Where should I knock if not at the door through which God gives Himself to us and through which we go to God? I have recourse to You, Heart of Jesus. In You I find consolation when afflicted, protection when persecuted, strength when burdened with trials, and light in doubt and darkness.

Dear Jesus, I firmly believe that You can grant me the grace I implore, even though it should require a miracle. You have only to will it and my prayer will be granted. I admit that I am most unworthy of Your favors, but this is not a reason for me to be discouraged. You are the God of mercy, and You will not refuse a contrite heart. Cast upon me a look of mercy, I beg of You, and Your kind Heart will find in my miseries and weakness a reason for granting my prayer.

Sacred Heart, whatever may be Your decision with regard to my request, I will never stop adoring, loving, praising, and serving You. My Jesus, be pleased to accept this my act of perfect resignation to the decrees of Your adorable Heart, which I sincerely desire may be fulfilled in and by me and all Your creatures forever.

Grant me the grace for which I humbly implore You through the Immaculate Heart of Your most sorrowful Mother. You entrusted me to her as her child, and her prayers are all-powerful with You. Amen.

Irresistible Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus

O my Jesus, Thou didst say: "Amen, I say to you, ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." Hence I knock, I seek, and I ask for the grace of...

Our Father... Hail Mary... Glory be...
O Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in Thee!

O my Jesus, Thou didst say: "Amen, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He will give unto you.” Hence I ask the Father, in Thy name, for the grace of...

Our Father... Hail Mary... Glory be...
O Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in Thee!

O my Jesus, Thou didst say: "Amen, I say to you, heaven and earth shall pass away, but My words shall not pass away." Encouraged by Thy infallible words, I now ask for the grace of...

Our Father... Hail Mary... Glory be...
O Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in Thee!

Let us pray
Sacred Heart of Jesus, for Whom one thing alone is impossible, namely, not to have compassion on the afflicted, have pity on us miserable sinners and grant us the grace we ask of Thee, through the intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, Thy tender Mother and ours.

Hail Holy Queen...
Saint Joseph, friend of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, pray for us!
Heart of Jesus, rich unto all that call upon Thee, have mercy on us!
Heart of Jesus, salvation of those who hope in Thee, have mercy on us!