learning to trust

It's been a difficult two weeks. I've been attacked with so much fear about my salvation, and so many doubts, several times the devil wanted me to give up altogether. I couldn't figure out if these fears reflect reality, or are lies. I had so much difficulty trusting God. I still feel so weak... today, I don't know what happened but Jesus gave me peace. Jesus I need You so much! If only I could receive You in the Eucharist... and I know that there's nothing You can't heal, that if I only receive You, the truth would be more apparent.. I've been suffering in this way because I dont know if I'm doing Your will. Lord I just pray that no matter what may happen in my life that Your will alone would be done! It doesn't matter so much if I should suffer, it's just this uncertainty and fear, that is the worst.. when I look at my soul I'm so fearful because of all my sins and because I don't understand where I am spiritually. I don't understand if I'm in a state of grace or not, I can't tell if I'm following You truly right now... but can I just look at You.. I just want to stay by the Tabernacle and be close to You, and whatever is wrong in my heart, You can change it. Why am I still afraid when I think of You? You are so much more powerful than any of my sins. I still have that dream of being Your bride and being a nun. I feel so broken right now that I can't really see how this could ever happen. But then I feel joy whenever I think about it. My Jesus please stay with me now, don't turn away from me, despite all the ways I've failed You. I need You now and always and especially when I'm under all these attacks. I just want to be alone with You, but I need You to heal me so I can receive Your love. Despite my sins, my inability, weakness, and fear, - I still have this desire for You and that is enough evidence that You are in my heart. St Padre Pio said, if a soul has the desire for God, that means God is there. I'm such a little soul, entirely incapable, but You alone are strong, You are my Savior, and You know all things!

reparation

O Most Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I adore thee profoundly. I offer thee the most precious Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, present in all the tabernacles of the world, in reparation for the outrages, sacrileges and indifferences by which He is offended. By the infinite merits of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I beg of thee the conversion of poor sinners.

all that I want

"Therese, I have found our desert place. A beautiful desert, filled with roses. Jesus waits for me. And all I want is to be alone with Him." Story of a Soul

"Not only He loves you, even more - He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. Even if you are not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes - He is the one who always accepts you. My children, you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe - you are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet - only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest." Mother Teresa

never more than we can handle.

i'm supposed to be doing homework.. but i'm sitting here in the library slowly coming to the realization that this has not been a good month. i don't entirely understand why God allows us to go through difficulties, and why He chose this time and not another time, and most of all why everything seems to happen at once. family, school, the future, all seems to be at an all time low.

even spiritually, it has been one trial after another. trusting God and loving Him, which came easily before, is now a constant struggle. i feel that if i don't constantly force myself to resist sin, believe, etc, it would all fall apart. God has been teaching me the importance of faith and courage, of a constant decision to follow Him... but it is very difficult sometimes to let go and rely on His strength. i just keep on repeating, "i will not sin anymore" or "i choose to believe."

i know God is with me always but i don't feel Him there. i want to believe in His love but it's a blind faith. i have not been able to receive the Eucharist for a while because whenever i go to Confession, the devil starts tempting me with horrible thoughts and it takes all my effort to not give in to them, but in my weakness, i give in. i don't know how to escape from this... i miss the Eucharist so much. and i'm fearing for my salvation, though i know i should be trusting in God because HE IS BIGGER THAN ALL THIS.

i don't know why He is allowing me to feel so broken and weak.. why everything in my life is going wrong at the moment. i know blessed are those who have not seen yet believed, but i wish i could see Him just for a second and know there's nothing in this world that can overcome His love.

but sometimes we have to simply make a choice. our wills remain free... a gift from our Father who wants us to learn to love like He loves. i could sin, but i choose not to. i could despair, but i choose not to.

there are two ways to look at our lives.. one is from a worldly perspective, and the other from an eternal perspective. to the world, - i'm a student who's graduating with mostly mediocre grades with no career prospects, and unlikely to get into the programs that i've applied to for next year. my family is falling apart. i have a 30 thousand dollar loan. i don't know what to do with my life and feel lost and worried whenever i remember about the future. i don't know what my vocation is. i don't know where i am spiritually or if i'll even make it to Heaven. my sins overwhelm me at every moment.

but "true greatness is in loving God and in humility". i could look at myself... i could look at the world... but Jesus is standing right in front of me with open arms, and i can't escape Him, because nothing could separate me from His love. and just as He said 10 years ago, He says now: "you are My child. I love you dearly." i could lose faith, but i choose to hold on. my Jesus, hold on to me. there is nothing in the world i want more than You.

thoughts on being a 'little flower'

I just read this article about humility and the teachings of St Therese..
http://www.catholic.org/hf/faith/story.php?id=34381

it really made me think..

I love the last 3 paragraphs especially...

"It’s actually a relief to know that I am not fooling God. He knows this fearful, perverted “humility” lives in my heart, preventing me from realizing the peace of true humility. He will take care of it if I let Him; even in this I have to let go, trust Him to keep His word and wait. My progress toward holiness follows my cooperation, not my command. It will not be accomplished on my schedule; I cannot rush or cajole Him into action. Learning to wait is part of learning humility. I have no one to impress – I only have One to love.

St. Therese helps me understand, “the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not take away the perfume of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy…if all flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose her springtime beauty, and the fields would no longer be decked out with little wild flowers. And so it is in the world of souls, Jesus’ garden. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wills us to be.” (Story of a Soul)

A heart that is humble rests confidently in His mercy and love, and has no fear of being little or unnoticed, nor any need for adulation. He may be walking with the red rose in His hand, smelling its sweet fragrance, but He will also lie down on the grass that is covered in a bed of small wildflowers, and He will rest His head on their simple beauty, enjoying their soft comfort. I can think of nothing sweeter than to be that wild flower that’s pressed close to His heart as He lies down to rest. That is all my soul really longs for."

Neither can I..

That is beautiful and that is the one important thing there is.. to seek to please Jesus and to live for Him in whichever way He chooses.

prayer of a soul that longs for God

my God, where are You?
tell me how to find You..
i will go to the ends of the world
i will do anything You ask.

my heart is restless without You
the enemy tells me, 'all is well', -
and i find myself falling asleep..
but i know my soul needs You

i long for You, my God,
- can i still call You my Beloved?
i feel a silence inside; a stillness...
but no whisper of Your voice.

my soul is like a still lake in darkness.
no wind, no movement stirs it
where are You, Holy Spirit, river of Life?
have i offended You so that You left me?

my Lord, i beg You to not leave me
my heart longs for union with You
but i am unworthy
against You alone have i sinned

the Saints say...
when a soul feels rejected
that is when God is nearest.
could it be?

in Your mercy i will take refuge
Lord, oh Lord do not turn Your face from me
i want to look into Your eyes
Jesus i wish i could feel Your embrace

but if that is for greater souls -
Jesus then let me suffer with You.
i will be as gold
purified in the fire of Your love



God desires to make you a saint; and He refuses to remove you from your circumstances to do so. - Jose Maria Escriva

Christ's suffering

I think it's so important to think about the suffering of Our Lord. I've been feeling lately like I should do this more.

It's almost unbelievable that God would let Himself be killed by His own creation. and not only killed, but also treated with so much mockery, hatred, disrespect... it must have been unimaginably painful...not only His physical suffering, but emotional and spiritual as well. I think the more a person loves, the more they're able to suffer for that love. If Jesus loves us infinitely, imagine what His sufferings must have been! and the suffering of Our Blessed Mother too, as she stood by His side, because she loves Him so much!

I've wondered, why did Jesus have to endure so much...why did He have to die so painfully? and then I was praying the Rosary and I read the reflections for the Sorrowful Mysteries in my booklet... and it said, He wore the crown of thorns because of our pride.. He was scourged because of impurity.. in everything that happened, He offered reparation to the Father. And that's when I realized, He suffered so much because His love is so great and because the sin of the world - our sin - is so great. If there had been no impurity, for example, He might not have had to be scourged. And just that knowledge, that sin - my sin - caused all this, ...wow.. I just don't understand though, how through all that He loved us! Even though it was our sin that was causing Him all this suffering, even that didn't make Him bitter or angry. He only prayed.."Father, forgive them.."

and now too, when we repent, Jesus accepts us so readily and unconditionally... He is so glad we've come back to Him, even though we caused Him such pain. I think that is what true love is..

and then I think of all the ways He is still offended today.... people stealing the consecrated Hosts and destroying them.. so much distrust, unbelief, hatred, etc.. and then I look at my sins, and I really don't understand, how could He still love me like this? how could His love be so unconditional? and my heart is so poor and what can I offer Him that's of value..but how can anyone not love Him, seeing His suffering?

Jesus' words to St Gemma

"Jesus once said to me: "Do you know, daughter, for what reason I send crosses to souls dear to me? I desire to possess their souls, entirely, and for this I surround them with crosses, and I enclose them in sufferings and tribulation, that they may not escape from my hands; and for this I scatter thorns, that souls may fasten their affections upon no one, but find all con*tent in Me alone. My daughter, if you do not feel the cross it cannot be called a cross. Be sure that under the cross you will not be lost. The demon has no strength against those souls who for My love groan under the cross. 0 My daughter, how many would have abandoned Me if they had not been crucified. The cross is a gift too precious, and from it come many virtues."
I prayed then to Jesus that He would not concede to me any grace except that of loving Him very much, and Jesus said: "Oh soul dear to me, if you truly love Me, behold My chalice; you can drink it to the last drop. On this chalice I have placed My lips, and I want you to drink it." I told Jesus to do with me as He would. And then He said to me: "I have sent this cross to you, you do not appreciate it; rather it is contrary to your desire, but the more it is contrary, the more it is like Mine. Would it not seem to you a dreadful thing to see a father in the midst of sorrow and the children enjoying them*selves? When I shall be your Spouse of blood, I will come to you, but crucified; show your love to me as I have shown it toward you, and do you know how? By suffering, pains, and crosses without number. You ought, therefore, to consider yourself honored, if I lead you on paths hard and painful; if I permit that you be tormented by the demon, that the world despise you, that persons most dear to you afflict you, and with daily martyrdom, I permit your soul to be purified and tested. And you, daughter, think only of practicing great virtue; run in the path of the Divine Will, humbled, assured, that if I hold you to the cross, I love you."

Prayer to Our Lady

"prayer to the Queen of Heaven in thanksgiving for my Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary, on June 27th, 2009"

I. Mother, this day is a secret.
See how well I hide it.

I walk through these streets,
see how ordinary I look.

People pass me by,
they do not suspect...the world does not know.

sun turns to twilight, the clock ticks,
with every step I come closer.

only a little further...
there is the steeple, the cross...
the familiar little church.
There is my Love hidden.

Do you hear my heart beating?
there You wait for me,
ready to take my heart.
O You have captured me!

I open the door...

II. O Mother, dare I say these words.
You see all the Angels listen.
the court of Heaven is silent.
I have only but a moment,
I dare not hesitate.

O Holy Angels, help me!
The Queen of Heaven is my Mother
and I come poor, dressed in rags.
how poor is my heart.

My Jesus, does this please You?
Oh, tell me, please speak!

III. lovely Lady,
I see your beauty and I'm speechless.
I see your purity and I'm dust.
You have a crown of stars like diamonds,
and the moon is under your feet.

O cover me with your mantle
Your Heart is radiant,
let all darkness flee.

see how fearful I am.
The enemy of my soul pursues me
he is almost at the door,
he taunts me with my sin.

this day is like no other,
and I have no courage.
Let me only say your name,
and I will live.

Oh Mary, Mary!
How lovely is your name,
I will spell it out with jewels,
I will sing it with the Angels.

You fill my heart with joy.

IV. Blessed Mother, receive these roses,
formed in the depths of my heart.
each rose, a Hail Mary.
Fervently I prayed them,
to proclaim you Blessed.

they are not like the roses of the Saints.
their fragrance less heavenly,
their colours less brilliant,
and they barely resemble roses at all.

they grew in a dark valley,
far from the sun.

I carried them here with the utmost care,
yet - how I wish to give you a greater gift!

V. Oh Mary, what sweetness!
raise me from the ground,
hold me trembling to your heart,
speak tenderly to me.

I look into your eyes,
and forget the things of earth.

Jesus,
Your love is my priceless treasure, my bliss.

Kind, gentle Mother,
how long must I wait?

St Teresa of Avila

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you.
All things pass away;
God is unchanging.
Patience obtains everything
Whoever possesses God,
Wants for nothing;
God alone suffices.

Christ has no body on earth now but yours;
no hands but yours;
no feet but yours.

Yours are the eyes through which
the compassion of Christ must look out on the world.
Yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good.
Yours are the hands with which He is to bless His people.