never more than we can handle.

i'm supposed to be doing homework.. but i'm sitting here in the library slowly coming to the realization that this has not been a good month. i don't entirely understand why God allows us to go through difficulties, and why He chose this time and not another time, and most of all why everything seems to happen at once. family, school, the future, all seems to be at an all time low.

even spiritually, it has been one trial after another. trusting God and loving Him, which came easily before, is now a constant struggle. i feel that if i don't constantly force myself to resist sin, believe, etc, it would all fall apart. God has been teaching me the importance of faith and courage, of a constant decision to follow Him... but it is very difficult sometimes to let go and rely on His strength. i just keep on repeating, "i will not sin anymore" or "i choose to believe."

i know God is with me always but i don't feel Him there. i want to believe in His love but it's a blind faith. i have not been able to receive the Eucharist for a while because whenever i go to Confession, the devil starts tempting me with horrible thoughts and it takes all my effort to not give in to them, but in my weakness, i give in. i don't know how to escape from this... i miss the Eucharist so much. and i'm fearing for my salvation, though i know i should be trusting in God because HE IS BIGGER THAN ALL THIS.

i don't know why He is allowing me to feel so broken and weak.. why everything in my life is going wrong at the moment. i know blessed are those who have not seen yet believed, but i wish i could see Him just for a second and know there's nothing in this world that can overcome His love.

but sometimes we have to simply make a choice. our wills remain free... a gift from our Father who wants us to learn to love like He loves. i could sin, but i choose not to. i could despair, but i choose not to.

there are two ways to look at our lives.. one is from a worldly perspective, and the other from an eternal perspective. to the world, - i'm a student who's graduating with mostly mediocre grades with no career prospects, and unlikely to get into the programs that i've applied to for next year. my family is falling apart. i have a 30 thousand dollar loan. i don't know what to do with my life and feel lost and worried whenever i remember about the future. i don't know what my vocation is. i don't know where i am spiritually or if i'll even make it to Heaven. my sins overwhelm me at every moment.

but "true greatness is in loving God and in humility". i could look at myself... i could look at the world... but Jesus is standing right in front of me with open arms, and i can't escape Him, because nothing could separate me from His love. and just as He said 10 years ago, He says now: "you are My child. I love you dearly." i could lose faith, but i choose to hold on. my Jesus, hold on to me. there is nothing in the world i want more than You.